Hunger
by Books In the Blood
Summary: When Rose and the Doctor return to Earth for Christmas, she begins exibiting out of character behavior that quickly goes from quirky to scary. Can the Doctor figure out what is causing Rose's strange behavior before it is too late? Rated M for mentions of eating disorders and suicide attempts.
1. Chapter 1

Rose ran as fast as her feet would take her, still trailing behind the Doctor by a considerable amount. She pushed herself to go faster, ignoring the burn in her legs and the pain of being winded in her sides. While she had gotten considerably better at running (you had to when traveling with the Doctor) she hadn't gotten quite as good at it as he was. She could see him in the distance, black leather contrasting against the red dust of the planet which was quickly covering every inch of Rose's clothes. Running had become a normal part of her everyday life with the Doctor but this time even Rose hadn't understood what had prompted this event. They had been eating a meal with the leaders of the small planet after the Doctor had helped them fix their satellite when they had suddenly become very angry. They had been shouting in a language that even the TARDIS couldn't translate and had very forcibly thrown Rose and the Doctor out. The Doctor, who really just couldn't take a hint sometimes, had tried to be diplomatic and repair the situation, apologizing for whatever it was they had supposedly done. That was when they had begun to chase them, throwing stones at them with weapons that resembled very high powered sling shots. Rose had already taken one to the arm and she had no desire to have another. The huge welt and numbness in her arm were more than enough to convince her to run.

Rose could see the TARDIS, standing at the top of a small hill like a wonderful beacon of hope. She glanced behind her to see their now-enemies closing in on her, ducking to avoid another stone as she tripped slightly and fell into the red dust of the planet. The Doctor, turning and noticing Rose's spill ran back, grabbed her arm and pulled her toward the TARDIS. Rose struggled to keep up with his pace but they soon made it to the TARDIS, bursting into the doors and spilling out onto the floor of the TARDIS. They tumbled next to each other, glancing each other's way before bursting into laughter. Rose closed her eyes as she laughed, rolling slightly as she fought to catch her breath. When the laughing had subsided slightly, Rose opened her eyes and turned to look at the Doctor who was beginning to sit up.

"Well, that was a bit rude" he said as if the incident was a slight manners infraction, looking offended, dusting off his dirt cover jacket.

"Apparently you were the one that was a bit rude" Rose said with a grin, sitting up on the floor beside the Doctor. "Not sure what it was this time but something obviously made them mad"

"Me?" The Doctor asked pulling back a bit. "It could have been you"

Rose rolled her eyes. "I was hardly talking…..you are the one that doesn't know when to stop. Maybe they just got tired of listening to your long technical rant"

The Doctor pretended to look offended but Rose knew it was fake. "That was not a technical rant" he said. "That was helpful advice to keep their satellite from breaking down again. They should be thanking me."

"Well, they obviously didn't think so" Rose said with a grin.

The Doctor folded his arms. "Try to help people…..this is thanks you get. They're worse than humans"

Rose scowled slightly at the Doctor but chose to ignore the humans comment. She pulled back the sleeve of her jumper and examined the spot where the stone had hit her. It had turned from red to dark purple and raised. It had also gone from numb to painfully throbbing. She winced slightly as she tried to put her sleeve down again but the Doctor had seen it and taken her arm.

"Oi, they got you didn't they?" The Doctor asked, taking her arm and examining it.

"Yeah….but it's alright" Rose said even though it hurt pretty badly.

The Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver and turned it on, scanning the bruise. To Rose's surprise, the injury began to heal and the pain subside. When he had finished, Rose rubbed the now pink patch of skin. "Thanks" Rose said, a little stunned that he had been able to heal it that easily.

The Doctor gave her a small smile. "I am a Doctor, you know" he said with a wink before pushing up from the floor and going to the console. "So….where to next?" he asked grandly.

Rose pushed up from the floor and came to lean next to the Doctor on the console. "You know exactly where we are going next" she said, crossing her arms and giving the Doctor a knowing look. "No trying to get out of it"

The Doctor looked away from her eyes. "Rose…do we have to?" he asked, whining like a child.

"Yes, yes we do" Rose insisted. "It's almost Christmas"

"But it's your mum" The Doctor said, slightly pained, as if it was the worst thing in the world.

"Yeah, and spending a day or two with her won't kill you" Rose said, not feeling any sympathy for him.

"Don't be so sure" The Doctor said, giving her a pouty look. Rose just smiled; for someone that was 900 years old, he sure could act like a child sometimes.

The Doctor reluctantly turned on the TARDIS and put it into flight, muttering something along the lines of "Things I do for humans…." under his breath, Rose simply laughing. The Doctor looked up from the console. "London it is…..Powell Estate" the Doctor said like a hesitant tour guide. "You might want to go get cleaned up" he suggested, pointing at Rose. She looked down at her clothes that were covered in red dust.

"Alright…..but I'll be right back" Rose said. "I don't want to find you've changed our destination while I was gone"

"Yes, ma'am" The Doctor said sarcastically before Rose disappeared down the corridor toward her bedroom. She had made the Doctor agree to take her home for Christmas and very reluctantly to stay for a few days himself. Rose thought it should be interesting considering he had never even stayed for tea, insisting that he didn't do domestics.

Rose went to her room and shed her dust covered clothes, stepping into the tub for a very quick shower. She was excited to see her mum again; it had been awhile since she had visited. She smiled when she thought about the Christmas decorations her mum would no doubt have up by now and all the goodies she would be baking for Christmas day. Rose's stomach rumbled, much to her surprise; only few minutes ago her stomach had felt like it was going to burst from the heavy alien food they had had at the banquet.

After showering and changing into fresh clothes, Rose emerged from her bedroom and bounced down the hallway, a broad smile on her face as she came into the console room and found a very brooding time lord sitting in the jump seat. "Bought time you got ready" he said with a slight frown. "Let's get this over with"

"Are you going to be this pouty the entire time?" Rose asked, giving him a sly smile.

"I might be" The Doctor said with folded arms.

"Well" Rose said, biting her lip and putting one hand on the Doctor's chest "I might just have to do something to put a smile on that face"

Rose watched the Doctor's face turn a beet red before she removed her hand and leaned back, taking note of her tone and what she had said. It was almost like…..flirting. She wasn't sure what had gotten into her. Feeling herself grow red she quickly changed the subject. "Let's go" Rose said, walking toward the door, the Doctor trailing behind her.

When Rose stepped out of the TARDIS and looked around at the place that was quickly becoming her second home after the TARDIS, she smiled. Snow was brilliantly pillowed on the ground and still falling as they emerged from the ship and looked around. Rose looked around, tilting her head back and looking up at the hundreds of individual snowflakes that were falling to the ground around her. "Isn't it beautiful?" Rose asked taking in the sight of it all. When she didn't hear the Doctor's response, she turned to look behind her, only to be greeted by a snowball to the face. Its coldness burned her skin and she wiped it off quickly, scowling at the Doctor who was standing several feet away, laughing heartily.

"Yes, it is beautiful" he said with a laugh. Despite the fact that she was not pleased at all to have snow on her face, she was glad to see him not pouting.

Rose grabbed some snow and balled it up tossing it toward the Doctor who ducked just in time. He tossed one her way and though she tried to dodge it, it hit her coldly on the neck. "No fair!" she whined, wiping her neck.

"It's not fault you're such an awful shot" The Doctor said in jest.

"You've had more practice" Rose said, chucking another one his way but missing once more.

The Doctor laughed as he dodged the snowball. "What makes you think that I've had loads of practice throwing snowballs?" he asked innocently.

"Because you're ancient" Rose retorted, kicking snow toward him.

"Ancient?" The Doctor asked, looking offended. "I'll have you know I'm at a perfectly normal time lord age. You probably just think I'm so old because you're just a little tot yourself"

Rose didn't know why but she felt irritation rise up in her; it was surpringly strong and she didn't understand why. She knew that the Doctor was joking but the last thing she wanted to be seen as by the Doctor was a kid "I'm not a little tot" she said, running toward the Doctor. He caught her as she launched herself at him, falling back into the snow. As quickly as the irritation had come, it slid off. Rose laughed as they fell back in the snow, her falling onto the Doctor's chest forcefully. He was laughing as he looked up at her and though she had meant to use this opportunity to stuff snow in the Doctor's face, she found herself simply staring down at the Doctor's face. As he began to calm his laughing he looked up at her seriously, a deep look in his eyes. Rose's eyes fell to his lips, so nicely curved into a small smile, one he only used when looking at her. Her stomach did a little flip flop and suddenly it seemed very warm out in the snow. She realized at the last second, a mere centimeters from the Doctor's lips, that she had been leaning in towards him. Feeling suddenly mortifyingly embarrassed, Rose jumped up from the Doctor, brushing herself off and pretending nothing had happened. Rose didn't understand where all these strange feelings were coming from. It wasn't like she had never thought about kissing the Doctor; she'd certainly given it plenty of thought, more than she cared to admit. But she would _never _act on it. And that was precisely what she had been about to do, without any thought at all when mere seconds ago she had been strangely angry at him. Rose shook her head; hormones….that's what it had to be…

"Well, mum will be waiting by now" Rose said, trying to brush off the near kiss she had tried to initiate, though still considering that the Doctor hadn't looked like he was going to stop her. "She keeps an ear out for the TARDIS, you know"

The Doctor was standing up from the snow and brushing himself off. He seemed a little at loss for words. "Yeah….alright" he said, his face a little red as he followed Rose into the building.

….

The Doctor squirmed on the couch, feeling more and more uncomfortable by the second. He flipped through the channels on the telly trying to find something non torturous to watch as Rose and Jackie giggled loudly in the kitchen as they prepared dinner but it was no use; alien TV had some half way decent shows but human telly was completely useless. He tossed the remote aside and stared at the blinking lights on the tree as he brooded that he had to be here.

He thought back to the incident in the snow; it had been so strange. If he hadn't known better, he would have been sure that Rose had almost kissed him. Had she done so, he wouldn't have stopped her; he was embarrassed to admit how much he had fantasized about doing just that. But Rose had never shown the slightest interest in doing so and would never be the one to initiate such a thing. It was strange…..he didn't know if he should be excited about it or if he should simply forget it had happened. Rose hadn't gone through with it; she had looked quite embarrassed about it in fact. Maybe he'd imaged the whole thing.

"Dinner's ready" Rose called to the Doctor, suddenly surprising him by being right next to him, making him jump.

"Wow, you're sure jumpy" Rose said with a laugh, noticing his surprise. "Come on, mum's outdone herself this time"

The Doctor put his hand on his stomach, not feeling very hungry. It hadn't been all that long ago that they had eaten at the banquet. And besides, it was Jackie's cooking. "I'm not really that hungry" he said.

"Really? I'm starving" Rose said, putting her hand on her stomach.

"We just ate" the Doctor said.

Rose patted his cheek, none too easily. "Well, you're not getting out of eating with us, so just get your little alien bum in there" she said slyly before walking towards the kitchen again. The Doctor stared back at her in confusion, touching his cheek. Rose was acting weirder by the second; she acted like she was flirting with him. That wasn't like her; yes maybe she had acted that way towards other people when she was with him, but never towards him. Maybe she was hungry; she was acting slightly delirious. Either way, it left the Doctor with an uneasy feeling.


	2. Chapter 2

"So, Doctor, what wonderful places have you been taking Rose to lately?" Jackie asked as she passed a bowl of potatoes toward the Doctor. He took enough of them to look "not rude" as Rose had instructed him before, feeling his sense of unease growing. Sitting down around a table, talking to someone's mum; the things he did for Rose. It was appalling really; he would never put up with it from anyone else. But then again, Rose wasn't 'anyone else'.

"Well, we've seen loads of great things lately" The Doctor said, forcing a smile on his face as he looked at Jackie. "We went sailing on the rainbow oceans of Jixion, saw the universe's biggest tourist trap at the intergalactic space station and just today we got chased away from a tremendously splendid royal banquet. What would you say has been the best thing we've done lately, Rose?"

The Doctor looked over to Rose for help, wanting her to jump in and save him from having to have so much conversation with Jackie. He was surprised to find Rose positively shoving food in her mouth. He'd known her to have a healthy appetite but now she looked like she was starving. He didn't know how she was so hungry; he really was still bursting from the banquet, he hadn't just been using that as an excuse.

"Rose…..uh…..why don't you take it easy?" The Doctor suggested in a whisper, hoping Rose would take the hint and slow down. He wasn't the best on manners but he thought that Rose's behavior might constitute as rude.

Jackie gave a sort of uncomfortable laugh as Rose seemed to ignore what the Doctor was saying. "Don't you ever feed her, Doctor?" she asked, attempting a joke but not sounding humorous.

The Doctor began to feel uncomfortable as Rose didn't even seem to notice them and continued to gluttonously shovel food into her mouth. The Doctor gave Rose a shake on the shoulder. "Uh…..Rose?" he asked as he shook her. Rose finally jerked awake, looking at the Doctor and then to Jackie, seemingly a little embarrassed. "Sorry…..did you say something?" she asked, putting her fork down and embarrassingly wiping her mouth with her napkin.

The Doctor made a mental note to scan her with the sonic after dinner. "Ah…I was just talking to your mum about the places we've been lately. What would you say was your favorite?"

Rose was quiet, thoughtful for a moment. "The rainbow oceans were definitely breath taking" Rose said, the Doctor not surprised. It had been one of their favorite trips for the both of them. "Stunning…. I'll never look at another ocean in the same way again" She looked down, her eyes intent on her plate. It seemed to the Doctor that she was just barely restraining the urge to continue eating. "But I've really just been homesick lately" she said, almost as if to herself. "I've been on to the Doctor for weeks to take me home. I practically forced him to come home at Christmas even though he didn't want to. You'd think it was the worst thing on earth in his mind to have dinner here" Rose said, a little zoned out, nonchalantly before beginning to eat again.

The Doctor felt his mouth drop a little as he felt Jackie's eyes on him; this did not do anything to help the negative picture she had of him in her mind. The Doctor had no idea Rose was so homesick; she had asked to go home a few times but she hadn't insisted. She hadn't needed to say that right now in front of her mum. And she certainly hadn't had to tell her how much he didn't want to be there. "Rose!" The Doctor said, embarrassment tinting his cheeks.

Rose looked up at him between bites. "What? 'S the truth isn't it?" she asked.

The Doctor's eyes glanced toward Jackie who was looking at him in a most disapproving way before he looked at Rose. "Rose, come here for a moment" he said, taking her by the arm and pulling her out of the dining room, receiving another harsh look from Jackie.

Rose looked at the Doctor indignantly as he pulled her way from the room. "What is wrong with you?" she asked, annoyance on her tone.

The Doctor felt this was a strange question for her to be asking him. "Me? What's wrong with me?" he asked, trying to keep calm. "You're the one that just told your mum that I didn't want to be here. Why did you do that for?"

"Because it's the truth" Rose said, as if he was stupid. "Can I go back now and finish my dinner?"

The Doctor shook his head. "No….Rose, listen" he said, his tone more gentle as he put his hands on her arms. "Is something wrong with you? Are you feeling alright?"

"Of course I'm fine" Rose said, looking at him as if she still doubted his sanity. "Why do you ask?"

"Because you're eating in there like you're dying of starvation and you're just blurting out things you wouldn't normally say" The Doctor said.

"Don't be mad at me because I simply said what I thought" Rose said, rolling her eyes a bit. "You want me to hold it all in?"

The Doctor shook his head. "No….." he said "Rose…..were you really that homesick?" he asked, concern in his tone as he reached out toward her.

Rose shrugged out of his grip. "Yeah…..I didn't just make it up" she said, slightly angry.

"Why didn't you tell me?" The Doctor asked, feeling guilty.

"I did" Rose said with slight malice, "You just didn't listen"

The Doctor felt terrible; was she really telling the truth? Had he ignored her feelings this much? He was trying to formulate a response when Rose's look softened. "I'm…..sorry" she said, even though she didn't appear to be sorry at all. "I should have told you more clearly. Can we go back in the dining room?"

Alarm bells were ringing through the Doctor head but he felt himself nodding. "Sure" he said, growing more confused by the second.

….

Rose's head was in a bit of swirl as she tried to watch the movie on the telly with her mum and the Doctor but she felt herself trying to fall asleep. Her mum had just brought in tea and biscuits and she was trying to force herself enough awake to have some. Her mum and the Doctor had acted as though she had eaten a terribly great deal of food at dinner but she still felt hungry. She didn't know why they were trying to regulate what she was eating anyway; why didn't they leave her alone?

Rose was losing the battle to stay awake as her eyes drifted downward. Sleepy…..she was so sleepy. She should get up and go to her bedroom but it seemed so far away and she didn't feel like walking all of that way. She leaned against the Doctor next to her on the couch; he felt so comfortable and he smelled so good she just wanted to melt into him and fall asleep. She was vaguely aware that her mum was in the room and maybe she shouldn't do that. But that thought was quickly forgotten as she lay down and curled into the Doctor's lap, so warm and comfortable. She had thought of doing so before and yet had always stopped herself. It was so nice now she couldn't imagine why she had ever stopped.

…

Watching television with Rose and Jackie was torturous enough; when Rose decided to fall sleep in his lap, it became all the more uncomfortable. He could see she was getting sleepy and he hadn't minded when she had leaned on him. But having her face now in his lap with Jackie looking at him with disapproval again he felt himself begin to squirm even more. He thought about what Jackie had said to him the first time he had brought her home; how she had accused him of preying upon her. She no doubt got the wrong impression about Rose being his companion; that was evident when she had called the police. But he had hoped by now maybe she was beginning to understand it was more than that. But with Rose's insinuation that he kept her from home against her will and her now _cuddling _against his lap in her sleep he felt the odds weren't in his favor for this.

"Why don't you take her to bed?" Jackie asked coldly as she looked at him and Rose. "And you'll be sleeping out here, mate, so don't get any ideas"

The Doctor cringed; this trip was turning out even worse than he had imagined. He knew Jackie was hard enough to please under the best of circumstances and this was certainly not the best of circumstances. That was nothing to mention the growing concern he had for Rose's well-being. Her emotions seemed to be all over the place and her voracious appetite was not good; she just wasn't acting like herself. Even her current state of sleeping cuddled against him wasn't like her; no matter what Jackie might think, physical contact between them was not common. As much as he might wish it was, they hugged often and held hands but that was as far as it had gone. Rose had never expressed interest for it to go further.

The Doctor glanced at Rose, comfortably curled against him in her sleep; he wished he could just sit here and enjoy the sight but with Jackie staring at him and his own worry that Rose was doing all of this because she was sick kept him from doing that.

The Doctor put his arms under Rose and scooped her up as he stood, wanting to give Jackie an argument, to insist that this was not normal behavior and he would never expect to "try anything" with Rose but he figured it was best to leave it alone. He walked back to Rose's room, laying her gently down on the bed and covering her with a blanket. He pulled his sonic out of his jacket pocket and scanned Rose, expected to find some pathogen or virus in her system. He came up with nothing; not trusting it, he scanned again but still came up with nothing. Baffled, he returned the sonic to his jacket and looked at Rose. Maybe she wasn't sick; maybe she just needed some time at home. Maybe he had been ignoring her feelings and this was a cry for attention. It didn't seem like something Rose would do but he'd been wrong before; especially when it came to females.

The Doctor tucked the covers around Rose a little tighter before he turned and left the room. He went back into the living room to find Jackie had went to her own room, leaving a pile blankets and pillows on the couch in a very obvious gesture. The Doctor sighed as he plopped onto the couch. He thought briefly about retreating to the TARDIS for the night but he was sure that Rose would not appreciate it.

The Doctor began to smooth out the blankets on the couch, trying not to worry about Rose and wondering how this human girl had come to so completely control his thoughts.

…..

The Doctor began to stir in his sleep in the middle of the night. It wasn't uncommon for him to wake up in the middle of the night, but it was usually because of a terrible nightmare. He was used to waking up with his hearts racing, panic gripping him as he tried to forget the memories of his burning home world. But this was different; while his hearts were racing, he had a warm, pleasant feeling emanating from below his waist and spreading throughout his body. It was a feeling he was not used to having, one that had been long forgotten but one he could get used to waking up to.

The Doctor basked in the warm pleasant tingliness for a few more moments before he opened his eyes to accept wakefulness. He felt his hearts skip a beat when he opened his eyes and saw Rose on top of him. He thought at first that it might be a dream; surely he had to be imagining it. But the sensation of Rose's lips against his neck and her body moving along his was not something he could conjure up in his mind. The Doctor was frozen for a minuet; every time Rose kissed his neck a tremor went through him, making him unable to do anything.

"Rose…..Rose…..what are you doing?" he managed to ask. He was embarrassed by how high pitched and wobbly his voice sounded.

Rose pulled back from his neck to look into his eyes. There was something deep and smoldering in her eyes, something the Doctor never expected to see her direct at him. "I should think it would be _very _obvious" she said lowly before capturing his lips in a kiss.

The Doctor had thought many times about what it might be like to kiss Rose. All of the good things about all of his fantasizes combined couldn't have prepared him for what it was actually like. Rose's hands held his face to hers, her touch gentle yet firm as she rubbed her fingers along his cheeks. Her tongue moved along his lips persistently before he opened his mouth, her tongue quickly filling the space, moving around his mouth and touching along each inch of his. Her mouth felt like it fit against his perfectly, warm and soft and tasting sweet. It felt wonderful…..fantastic. His hearts were beating out of tune as hormones flooded through his blood. He felt the tingling sensation he'd already had begun to grow more persistent.

He wanted to let it keep going but he was glad for the part of him that was able to stop. As much as it _felt _right, this wasn't right. There had to be a reason Rose was doing this besides the obvious reason. He wanted to believe that she was doing this because she genially wanted to, but Rose was not the type to throw herself at him, even if she did have feelings for him. If he took advantage of her now by not stopping her, it could destroy the relationship they had completely.

Somehow, the Doctor managed to detach his lips from Rose's, pushing her back slightly, his eyes focusing on her in the dark, inches from his face. "Oh, Doctor…don't tell me you're going to be _difficult" _she said, her voice slow and throaty. She used the collar of his t-shirt to pull him back to her lips. The Doctor was frozen for several seconds again before he pushed Rose back again, this time more persistent.

"Rose…..what…..what is this?" he asked, finding it more difficult to fight back but at the same time growing more alarmed.

Rose put her hands on the Doctor's chest and ran her fingers up and down it, sending shivers down it. "I'm sure I don't have to explain it to you" she said, biting her lip as she grinned down at him. "But…..I think this whole innocent act is cute so I'll indulge you" Rose ran her fingers down along his chest, coming to rest at the hem of his shirt before moving under it and touching his skin. He felt something much like electricity run through him and it was becoming harder to think. "I have been _very _curious to see what is underneath all that leather…..and I'm tired of waiting to find out"

Rose began to pull the Doctor's shirt off a second before he pulled it back down. "Doctor" Rose said with a laugh "Stop fighting it…..I've seen the way you look at me…..don't pretend you've never thought about this"

The Doctor felt his face redden and he was glad that Rose couldn't see it. There were a million things wrong with this. "Rose…I think something's wrong here" he said, his voice cracking.

"Yes…..the fact that we still have our clothes on" she said with a flirtatious smile as she began to try to pull her own shirt over her head. The Doctor's eyes widened before he was able catch himself and pull Rose's shirt down.

"Rose! Stop this…..we're in the living room….your mum could come in any minuet" The Doctor said, glancing around the room as if expecting Jackie to pop out any minuet and slap him across the universe.

Rose put a finger on the Doctor's lips as she grinned. "Well….then why not go to my room? I can be quiet if you can….though I would love to hear you make some noise"

The Doctor's eyes were popping out of his head as Rose leaned down and kissed him again. He hesitated for longer than he should have, feeling his hearts beating erratically in desire before he pushed Rose away. "Rose…you have to stop. We can't do this…..we can't." He stuttered out.

"Doctor, I'm really not sure what the problem is here" Rose said slyly. "It's obvious that I want to do this…..and its more than obvious you want to."

The Doctor's breath caught in his chest as Rose's hand caught him in the one place that was giving him desperately away. His brain slowed a bit and he fought against the long dead carnal urges in him to do what he knew he should do. Rose, with her hand still making him wonderfully uncomfortable, leaned down and began to kiss and nibble along his ear. The Doctor was beginning to feel himself grow desperate to end this before it got completely out of hand, leaned into Rose. He did the only thing he could think of; he put his hand on her temple and used his telepathic abilities to put Rose to sleep. She crumpled against him like a rag doll and the Doctor let out a sigh.

The Doctor looked at Rose, her head slumped against his shoulder, peaceful, feeling sadness swelling up in him. "Oh Rose…what's going on with you?" he asked in the quiet, brushing hair out of her face. He didn't know what was wrong with her, but he intended to find out.

The Doctor managed to wiggle out from under Rose before scooping her into his arms for the second time that night. He carried her back to her bedroom, lying her down gently before covering her with the blankets. The Doctor noticed an alarming amount of candy wrappers lying on the floor by Rose's bed and had a nagging feeling Rose's uncontrollable appetite from earlier had not been satisfied. He pulled out his sonic and scanned Rose again but he was met again with no results. He was baffled; something was wrong with her and yet the scans showed that nothing should be wrong at all. The Doctor could think of many things that acted like an aphrodisiac and could have contributed to Rose's overly friendly behavior. But he knew with Rose's erratic emotions and unquenchable appetite that something more was going on here.

The Doctor slipped out of Rose's room and went to the living room, putting his clothes and shoes on before slipping outside toward the TARDIS. He would do more tests on Rose when she woke up but right now he had to do some research and find something, anything that could help explain her bizarre behavior.


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter warning: Mentions of eating disorders _

Rose stirred, stretching out and feeling her muscles scream in protest. She opened her eyes and squinted at the bright sunlight coming in through her window. She rubbed her eyes, hearing silence in the flat. Rose sat up, surprised to not hear anything in the flat, half expecting to hear her mum and the Doctor arguing at least.

Rose got out of bed and made her way out of her room; she walked around the flat, looking for her mum but not finding her. When she got to the kitchen she found a quickly scribbled note from her mum saying she was going out to lunch with some friends and would be back that evening. Rose felt a strong wave of anger come over her before it melted away into deep sadness. Rose crumpled up the note and tossed it across the floor, slumping into a chair.

_Mum always does this….she's always bloody running off, _Rose thought. And it was true. She'd been gone for weeks and her mum didn't even care she was home.

_Well, why should she? She never did before….._Rose thought in self-pity. She eyed a tin of biscuits sitting on the table and began to absently stuff them in her mouth. It was true; her mum never had really cared if she was home or not. Before she had run off with the Doctor and been gone for a year, her mum hadn't cared. She could stay out all day or all night for that matter, and it mattered very little to her mum. She was always occupied with her own plans and social engagements; Rose had spent more time at home by herself as a kid than she had with her mum. It had often put her in the position of attracting the wrong sort of attention; but that was better than no attention at all.

_I thought it'd be different now….._Rose thought, feeling herself begin to get pulled down into deep self-pity but she couldn't stop herself (nor did she want to stop). She really had thought this trip would be different. After she had disappeared with the Doctor and had come back, her relationship with her mum had changed. She'd been more involved and interested in her life; she had wanted her around. Or so Rose thought.

_I just wanted to spend time with her, _Rose thought sadly. She felt like a child, always wanting to spend more time with her mum. She had thought it would be different once she got older but it really hadn't.

Rose looked around the room; and where was the Doctor? She knew he wasn't gone; she could see the TARDIS from the window. But why had he left? Didn't he want to spend any time with her either? She thought about the events the previous night and how he had pushed her away. She had thought she had sensed something of attraction from him at times; maybe she had read him wrong.

With guilt Rose looked down at the empty tin of biscuits, crumbs scattered on the table. She put her hands on her stomach, trying to push her in gut, which seemed very obvious now, down.

_Of course he pushed you away…..look at you, _Rose thought, tears beginning to sting at her eyes. _You're stuffing your face like a disgusting pig. _

Rose had thought she'd seen the Doctor look at her as if she was something special, as if she was beautiful. She felt embarrassed to have even allowed herself thoughts like that. _Of course he doesn't think you're pretty…..look at you. You're disgusting. If he thought you were pretty he wouldn't have pushed you away last night. He was very insistent on pushing you away. _

Rose felt tears begin to pool at the corner of her eyes and run down her face . Her stomach ached and she felt horrible. Without a second thought, Rose turned and ran toward the bathroom, a hand pressed over her mouth.

….

The Doctor tossed another book across the library floor, watching it spin out of control; he was frustrated. He couldn't find any information that would help him at all; he'd looked all night and he could not find anything that similar to Rose's condition. He hadn't really expected to, having never seen anything similar but he had hoped he might find something. Realizing that it was mid-morning and Rose would likely be awake by now, the Doctor stood up and exited the TARDIS.

When the Doctor entered the Tyler flat, he was surprised to find it quiet. Jackie must have been out and the Doctor checked Rose's bedroom, expecting her to still be asleep. Finding her bed empty he looked around the flat more for her. When the Doctor passed the bathroom he heard something that made him stop. He heard the sound of Rose getting sick; convinced that she must be ill like he had thought she might be, he opened the door quietly. What he saw made him even more worried.

Rose was not getting sick; she was _making _herself sick…_on purpose._ The Doctor's stomach churned nervously. Why would she be doing that? The Doctor could understand the reasons why someone might do that, but not Rose. Whether or not she was crying out for help, it was obvious that she needed it.

The Doctor slipped back out the door, knocking on it before Rose noticed him spying on her. She ignored the first several knocks at the door.

"Rose? Are you alright?" he called out. He could hear Rose trying to compose herself before she answered. "I'm fine, Doctor." She stuttered out.

"Are you sure? Are you sick?" The Doctor asked. He wanted Rose to invite him in and not push this away.

"I said I'm fine…..go away" Rose said, more persistent this time. It was obvious that she wasn't going to want to talk about this.

"Rose, please let me come in" The Doctor asked, his voice gentle.

Rose was not having it. "I said go away!"

Ignoring Rose's request and knowing she'd be fighting mad, the Doctor entered the bathroom. Rose was sitting on the floor next to the toilet, her face pale. Her eyes were red and it was obvious that she had been crying. The Doctor was alarmed; how had she gone from overwhelmingly happy last night to this depressed mess today?

Rose looked at the Doctor, anger crossing her face. "What part of go away don't you understand?" she asked angrily, crossing her arms. "You don't ever bloody listen do you?"

"No….but neither do you so I think I'm in good company" The Doctor said, semi-serious as she sat down on the floor across from her. She looked away from him.

"Rose…..what's going on here?" the Doctor asked after a moment had passed. Rose stared down at the floor, determined not to look at him.

"Nothing…..I was just a little queasy. I told you I was fine. Don't make a big deal of it" Rose said, curling up a little on herself.

The Doctor knew it was a bold faced lie but he looked past that. "Can I do anything to make you feel better? Calm your stomach?" he asked, trying to take a gentle approach.

"I said I'm fine!" Rose burst out. "Just forget about it!" It was obvious that she was embarrassed; maybe she even suspected that he knew what she had been doing.

"Rose…..I'm worried about you" The Doctor admitted. He hoped that if was honest with her she might be honest with him.

"Why?" Rose asked, her tone dripping with disbelief. She couldn't understand why he would be worried about her.

The Doctor thought about the best way to phrase what he wanted to say without offending her. "You've not exactly seemed like yourself since yesterday" he started cautiously. "You've been so…I mean, you've been rather emotional. And it seems you have…..you seem to be starving, like you can't get enough to eat no matter how much you have"

The Doctor should have seen it coming, but it took him by surprise. Rose's hand across his face stung harder than he would have expected. She could give Jackie a run for her money in the slap department. He didn't think the slap was entirely undeserved and but he hadn't expected it. "I'm not fat" Rose said, through clenched teeth. Though she seemed very intent on her opinion, it was obvious that right behind it was terrible self-doubt. Did she really think she was fat? Was that what this was about? Didn't she know that he thought she was the most beautiful human he'd ever known?

"I never said you were" The Doctor insisted. "I don't think you're fat at all. I was simply saying you seem to be starving and I just wondered if something was wrong"

Rose's lip pouted out as if she wanted to cry but didn't. In that moment it was so easy to see how old he was in his 900 years and how incredibly _young _she was in her 19 years. She looked as if she might break she was so fragile. The Doctor had never thought of Rose as sensitive or breakable; he was beginning to wonder if he had made a terrible mistake.

"Nothing is wrong!" Rose insisted, her lip sticking out a little further and quivering. It was obvious something was very wrong.

The Doctor paused, rubbing his cheek, preparing to get hit again. "Rose…what happened last night?"

Rose's face turned pale. "What do you mean?" she asked, her voice raising and octave.

The Doctor swallowed. "I mean…..what happened between us last night. You kissing me…..the things you said. What was that about?"

Rose's mouth opened and closed before opening again as if she was trying desperately to not say anything. "Are you completely stupid?" Rose burst out, the words rushing out as if she simply couldn't contain them.

"No" the Doctor said in perplextion. "Why do you say that?"

Rose's face turned red as she sought to keep her mouth closed but it was as if it was simply impossible. "I told you exactly what it was about!" Rose exploded. "Are you completely dull? I was practically throwing myself at you! I thought maybe you were just that slow but it was obvious by that Vulcan mind trick or whatever the hell it was you did that made me go to sleep that you were fully aware of what I was trying to do and you didn't want it. You could have just said that instead of letting me embarrassed myself further!"

The Doctor was stunned; he fought for his mind to work, to formulate a response. It was hard enough to believe that Rose actually meant all the things that she had said last night; it was harder to believe that she thought he hadn't wanted to reciprocate. "Rose….that's not-" he started but Rose cut him off.

"Just leave it, alright?" Rose said, standing up. "I don't even want to hear it. I need to be alone…..and I'm sure that you would rather get rid of me anyway"

Rose turned away from the Doctor and bolted out of the room. The Doctor, spurring himself to action despite the shock he was feeling at Rose's words, jumped up and followed Rose. She was reaching the door when he caught up to her.

"Rose stop!" The Doctor said as he grabbed her by the wrist. Rose whipped around and looked at him with an angry expression. She tried to pull away from him but the Doctor held on tight.

"Doctor…..let…me…go!" Rose said through clenched teeth. Tears were beginning to run down her cheeks despite the anger that was written on her face.

"I can't do that" The Doctor said. "We need to talk, Rose. You're obviously very upset. Please, stop. We need to talk."

"No….we….don't" Rose said.

"Why?" The Doctor asked. "Why won't you just stop and talk to me?"

"Because it won't matter" Rose said desperately. "You'll just leave anyway "

The Doctor felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. Rose looked like a child; so small and young and vulnerable. She looked at him as if he'd held the entire world to her and then let it shatter. He could feel waves of sadness and loss coming off of her, almost overwhelming. She really believed what she was saying. She really did think he was going to leave.

"Rose….." The Doctor said, his voice soft. Rose's expression seemed to soften for a second before growing hard again. She took advantage of his moment of weakness and pulled away.

"I'm the one leaving now…don't follow me" Rose said with malice before storming off, leaving the Doctor more confused than ever.


	4. Chapter 4

The Doctor paced the floor of the living room, his mind racing. He should have followed Rose when he had a chance; he hit his hand on his forehead in frustration. He'd hoped that if he had let her go and given her a chance to cool down then she would come back and they could talk about what had happened. He could see now, 3 hours, 17 minutes and 24 seconds later that that was not the case. He hated his stupidity for letting her go when she was so obviously upset; he still couldn't believe the things that she had said. He didn't want to believe that she truly meant the things that she had said.

None of this made sense; he knew something was wrong with Rose. They'd had rows before, sure, but nothing like this. Rose's behavior was completely out of character and though she showed no signs of illness he knew something physical or chemical had to be going. He ran through his mind, thinking of anything he could put the pieces of Rose's behavior together. But he couldn't think of anything.

The Doctor tapped his sonic against his head as he tried to think of what to do; he should go after Rose and try to find her. But as he paced around the room he found himself tragically without ideas. Where would Rose go? He was suddenly faced with the realization that he knew very little about Rose's life on Earth. Who were her friends? Where did she like to go? He came up empty when faced with these questions and he knew that was a problem. He'd already resorted to going to Mickey's and asking if he'd seen her; he'd hated admitting that he didn't know where she was and hated Mickey's smugness of the fact. He wouldn't have been so happy about the Doctor's distress if he knew Rose might be in danger but that was not something he felt like staying around to chat about. Jackie was nowhere to be found; he didn't want to admit his distress to her either but if she were here he would not hesitate in asking where Rose might go if upset.

After the Doctor had been waiting for Rose to come back for 4 hours, 2 minutes and 45 seconds, the phone rang. Feeling hope rise inside him that it might be Rose, the Doctor rushed over to the phone and answered it. "Hello?" he said hopefully.

"Is Jackie Tyler there?" came a gruff sounding man's voice on the other end of the phone.

"No…..she's not here right now." The Doctor said, about to hang up the phone.

"Do you know how to get hold of her?" the man asked impatiently.

"No" The Doctor said, getting irritated his time was being wasted by one of Jackie's social contacts. "She's not here and I don't know how to get ahold of her"

"Well, if you do happen to see her in the very near future can you tell her to come down to Jim's pub and pick up her daughter…sooner rather than later" the man said, obviously annoyed with the Doctor.

The Doctor felt nervous energy in his stomach. "Rose? What's wrong with Rose?" he asked nervously.

"She's a bit out of control" the man said, softening himself. "She's been trying to drown herself with drinks since she got here. I cut her off but that just seemed to make her angry. She's starting to get violent. I know she's normally such a nice girl, I'd hate to have to call the police"

The Doctor felt his already high levels of alarm rise in his head; violent? Now he was positive that something was deeply wrong. "Okay…..I'll be right there" he said before hanging the phone up and racing out the door.

…

The Doctor found the pub quicker than he had ever found a building on foot, his hearts racing out of control. He was almost afraid of what he might find as he swung the door of the pub open; Rose had never done anything close to violent that he knew of and he couldn't imagine why she would now. That said nothing of the fact that she had been drinking all this time; the Doctor had been trying to remember if Rose had distantly mentioned a friend's name, someone she might have gone to see. But the fact that she had been at a pub drinking alone was tragically sad.

The Doctor walked through the dark pub, looking around the room for Rose. He didn't see her anywhere and he felt alarm rise in him; maybe he hadn't gotten here in time to catch her before she left. But where would she go? The Doctor was on the verge of panic when he heard the sound of Rose's voice, uncharacteristically swearing in the back room. The Doctor burst through the side door, ignoring the plea of a waitress who told him he couldn't go back there. He found Rose slumped in the chair, half way between passed out and in an angry rage at the short, middle aged man who the Doctor assumed was the man who he had spoken to on the phone.

"Rose?" The Doctor asked as he walked over to her, crouching down on the floor next to the chair Rose was nearly passed out on. "Rose…..what are doing?"

Rose tilted her head so that she was staring at him; he tried not to get too alarmed by how pale Rose was and how red her eyes were. "What the hell are you doing here?" she asked angrily. "Get out of here!"

Rose tried to swing at him but her reflexes were so slow that she missed by several inches. "I'm here to take you home" he said as gentle as he could. He tried to take her hand but she pulled away.

"No…..I don't want to go anywhere with you" Rose said vehemently. "You're the reason I'm here"

The Doctor felt guilt rise in him but he fought it to keep his mind on the task. "Rose…..I'm sorry. Let's go home and talk about this, alright?"

"No" Rose said, glaring at him. He could see sadness under her tough exterior and her pain was hurting him. "Go away"

The Doctor steeled himself for an argument and a good slap as he reached down and scooped Rose into his arms. She attempted to slap and hit him as he pulled her into his arms but she didn't have much strength left and her hits were not hard. "Rose, I'm not going anywhere without you, you have to know that" he said.

Rose continued to fight against him but she was quickly losing steam. "Not yet you're not" she said so quietly that the Doctor barely heard her.

…

The Doctor had somehow managed to carry Rose down the street and back to the flat. When they got into the flat, the Doctor placed Rose on her feet. She shook wobbly on her feet as she turned around and gave him a stare that could have woke the dead. "Why did you bring me here?" she asked, her words slurred and unsteady. It was an unnerving sight and the Doctor felt his already twisted stomach turned into more knots. "Rose…..you were causing a scene. That guy who owned the bar was calling here looking for your mum to take you home because you were getting violent" the Doctor said urgently.

Rose's angry face dissolved into a sad face. Her lip trembled and he saw tears in her eyes. "Well of course mum is too busy to come pick me up…..wouldn't be the first time" she said sadly. "She's never around when I need her"

The Doctor was finding it hard to keep up with Rose's emotions. She was all over the place and out of control. Though the Doctor knew something had to be prompting this behavior, he also had the distinct impression that these were very real feelings she had and that broke his hearts a little more. "What do you mean?" he asked gently. "Your mum cares, Rose"

Rose rolled her blood shot eyes as tears spilled over them. "Yeah, she cares…..when it's convenient for her" she huffed. "When she's busy doing her own thing…..I'm on my own. I've been bloody gone for weeks…and she's not even here!"

The Doctor wished he could say that wasn't true; but again, he didn't know. What he knew of Rose and Jackie was that Rose loved her mum desperately and he knew Jackie loved Rose. But had they had a great relationship in the past? He didn't know.

"I'm sure she'll be back soon" the Doctor tried to assure her. He saw the way Rose was swaying on the spot and moved beside her. He put his arm around her and he was glad when she didn't move away. "Let's get you to bed, alright?" He hoped at least maybe some sleep would help; though things had drastically gotten worse from yesterday to today.

"Fine" Rose said weakly, allowing the Doctor to lead her out of the room and down the hall to her bedroom. She was pale and looked extremely tired and the Doctor had just gotten her to her bed when she flopped down heavily, completely passed out. The Doctor sat on the edge of the bed, watching Rose sleep for a long time. Something was so wrong with her and he hoped desperately that he could find out what it was. With no physical reasons for why she should be feeling this way, the Doctor had to consider there was something mentally wrong. There were a great many substances that could affect and alter the mind; less pleasant to consider was that there were also several human mental illnesses that could illicit the reactions Rose was displaying. He didn't want to believe it could be that; but if Rose genuinely felt like Jackie didn't care about her and that the Doctor was going to leave her 'because everyone always left' then those ideals could be greatly affecting her mind and wellbeing.

Once Rose was in a deep sleep, the Doctor allowed himself to do something that he didn't take lightly and he regretted having to do it. He leaned forward as he put his fingers on Rose's temples and concentrated on her mind. He hated having to intrude upon her mind without her permission; it was not something he did without consideration. He didn't want to invade her privacy and he only concentrated on the very surface of her mind, enough to see if something was wrong. Again, he came up empty; there was nothing inside her mind or affecting her mind to be creating this odd behavior in her. He had hoped to find something…..anything…..that might help her but he was coming up dry.

The Doctor was about to pull out of Rose's mind when she began to fall into a dream state. He told himself to pull out and give her privacy in her dreams. But when he saw himself in her mind, he found that he couldn't do that. He hated himself for lingering but he couldn't stop.

_He could hear the crying in Rose's dream before he saw her. It was a sad, quiet whimper, the cry of someone who was trying to not be heard. The crying got a little louder as he saw Rose in her head, laying on her bed in the TARDIS, stretched out and crying. There was a knock at the door and she wiped her eyes, trying to compose herself. "Come in" she called out in a voice that was meant to sound normal but didn't. _

_The Doctor viewed himself in Rose's dream come into the room, giving Rose a curious glance. "Rose…are you alright?" he asked. _

_"__I'm fine" Rose lied, her eyes red and puffy, betraying her. _

_The Doctor crossed the room and sat on the edge of Rose's bed. He put a hand on her shoulder and turned her so that she was looking up at him. He could he see the redness in her eyes, the sadness and the unshed tears, the ones she was holding back. He put a hand on her check and gave her a sad smile. "I know you're not alright…..I can see in your eyes. Talk to me" he said gently. _

_Some small part of Rose was still able to hold back. "I don't need to talk…..really Doctor, I'm fine" she said insistently, though her argument was waning_

_"__Rose" the Doctor said in his firm voice. He held out his arms and Rose lost all ability to hold herself back. Rose rushed into his arms, throwing her arms around his neck, her legs around his waist, burying her face into his shoulder and crying, much the way a child might do. The Doctor cradled her tightly to himself, rocking back and forth to soothe her. "It's alright…Rose. Calm down. I'm right here…..I promise I'm not going anywhere" _

_"__Don't leave me, Doctor….please don't leave me" Rose begged through her sobs. _

The Doctor tore himself from Rose's mind, feeling terribly guilty that he had invaded Rose's privacy in that way. But the dream that he saw gave him a deeper insight to what was going on with her than anything else had. Rose was desperately fearful of being left behind, of him abandoning her. He was beginning to think he had greatly underestimated how she saw him.

The Doctor gave Rose one last look before he tucked the covers around her and left the room. As he was walking down the hall to the living room, the front door was opening and Jackie came swirling through, her hands full of bags. The Doctor felt a sudden surge of anger at seeing her with not a care in the world. He didn't know if what Rose had said about Jackie consistently not being here for her was true but he knew that Rose was not dramatic and she wouldn't have completely made it up. There was at least some truth to it and she certainly wasn't here for her today. Rose had been begging to go home for a long time because she wanted to spend time with Jackie and as soon as they'd gotten here she had left.

"Where have you been?" The Doctor asked, his voice angry. Jackie gave him a strange look but she had no idea how much he was really trying to hold back the force of the Oncoming Storm. Rose was not okay and he didn't know what he could do to help her.

Jackie scowled at the Doctor . "What have I got to answer to you for?" she asked irritability. "Where's Rose?"

The Doctor paused for a moment, holding in the urge to argue with Jackie. Rose wouldn't appreciate it and he didn't want to add to her emotional issues right now. "Rose is asleep right now" he said simply. "She's been waiting around for you all day"

Jackie looked confused. "She's asleep? In the middle of the day?" she asked.

"Yeah…she's sleeping her liquor off" the Doctor said miffed.

Jackie's confusion grew. "Drinking in the afternoon?" she asked. "Did you two have a row or something?"

The Doctor sighed; he and Rose had had a fight. Well, at least something of a fight; he hadn't meant it to be a fight but Rose had obviously been very upset. Still, that shouldn't have driven her to such means to drink that she got violent when the bartender denied her more drinks. "Is that a normal coping mechanism for Rose? Getting drunk when she's upset?"

"Doesn't everybody drink sometimes when they're upset?" Jackie said, not seeming to understand the severity of it. "What did you do to make her angry?"

"She didn't just drink" the Doctor said. "The bartender called here for someone to come pick her up because she was making a scene. That's not normal is it?"

"Making a scene?" Jackie asked. "He must have been exaggerating…he always calls when Rose has had a few too many. He looks out for her; cuts her off when she gets a bit carried away"

The Doctor fought hard to reign in his anger; so this was normal behavior. The bartender shouldn't have been in the habit of cutting Rose off and it shouldn't have been considered normal to Jackie. The Doctor decided to take the conversation in another direction lest he get really angry. "Jackie…..Rose was really upset you left today. She wanted to spend time with you. She's been asking to go home because she wanted to see you" He said, his voice softer.

"Really?" Jackie asked, concern coming to her face. "Well, I didn't mean to upset her…..I hardly thought me leaving for a few hours would make her upset. I'll talk to her alright?"

The Doctor felt his anger slide a way a bit as he saw concern cross her face. "Alright…." He relented. "I just want her to be okay"

"I want that too" Jackie said, noticeable concern now in her eyes. "Rose is normally tougher than this…..I'm not sure why she'd being so sensitive."

The Doctor watched Jackie walk off in the direction of her bedroom, a deep sense of sadness clouding his hearts. Though he couldn't be sure, he had a very distinct impression that Rose wasn't as 'tough' as Jackie thought.


	5. Chapter 5

_Trigger Warning: Eating Disoders_

Rose awoke to a horrible, heavy pounding in her head. She opened her eyes slightly but the low light stung her eyes. She was dehydrated, hung over….she knew she needed to drink something to help it but she didn't want to. She pulled the covers over her head and burrowed into the bed like a cocoon, squeezing her eyes closed so that she could hide in the cover of darkness that was quickly filling her heart. She felt a deep, almost stabbing pain in her heart and she let herself begin to sob. Once she started, she felt like she couldn't stop.

The events of the day came flooding back into her alcohol addled mind even though she didn't want it to. The Doctor and her mum leaving her, her realization that the Doctor hadn't returned her feelings because she was overweight and plain and dull, everyone's overreaction at her drinking and the Doctor dragging her out of the pub like she was a child…..she wanted desperalty to pretend that this day didn't happen. She wanted, needed, something else to drink; anything to make it so that she couldn't think anymore.

Rose's stomach lurched, aching painfully from the amount she had drunk. She pulled her shirt up and began to rub her sore stomach, noticing the ugly way it puffed out and hung over her jeans. Rose's stomach gave another uncomfortable lurch and she scrambled out of bed as quickly as her muddle state would allow. She ran to the bathroom and quickly shut and locked the door behind her. She ran to the toilet but by the time she was leaning over it, the queasy feeling she had had was gone. She breathed deeply in through her mouth as the nausea feeling passed, feeling a sense of disappointment fill her. She glanced down at her sore and overly large stomach all and she could think about was last night and how embarrassing it was.

_You're ugly…..that's why the Doctor didn't reciprocate. If you lost some weight…..maybe if you weren't so fat…..then he'd like you. Maybe then he wouldn't want to leave you…_Rose's mind persisted. She tried to shove it away, but it wasn't possible.

Wanting nothing but for the voice to stop, Rose leaned over the toilet, forcing her fingers down her throat. Her body shuddered as her stomach gave up the contents of her drunken binge. Once wasn't enough and she kept pushing until nothing else would come out and she was convinced that she could be done. When she was finished, Rose sat down on the floor, her face flushed and sweaty, and her body shaking. When she looked back down at her stomach, it didn't look as bad.

_Not good…..but it's a start. Keep working on it…_Her mind whispered. She pulled her legs up to her chest, laying her head on her knees as she began to whimper. Her stomach hurt, her chest hurt; she couldn't sob like she wanted to so she just whimpered sadly. It was pathetic, just like everything else about her was pathetic.

"Rose…are you alright?" Rose heard her mum's voice calling softly on the other side of the door.

Anger bubbled up inside of Rose, hot and quick before it was replaced by the deep depression she had had all day. Her mum had left her; why did she care now?

_She doesn't care…_her mind whispered in the back of her head, persistent and nagging, _Of course she doesn't care. She never has….she's always made sure she came first. All your life it has been that way. You were stupid to think that it was going to change now. _

"I'm fine" Rose grunted back her mum. She didn't want to talk to her at all.

"Can I come in?" her mum asked, worry on her voice. "The Doctor said you were really upset…..can we talk?"

Rose's anger replaced her sadness; she could just picture her mum and the Doctor talking behind her back. She could imagine that they had great fun at her expense, talking about how worthless and stupid she was. They had both said it to her face in one way or another at times…..no reason to believe that they wouldn't also say it behind her back.

"Go away!" Rose yelled at the door. She just wanted to be left alone.

"But I'm worried" her mum said, "The Doctor said he had to go get you at the pub….said you were making a scene. That's not like you"

Rose had a mind to wrench open the door and take out her anger on her mum. It was like her…..or at least it had been like her before she had met the Doctor. Her mum didn't remember all the nights she's had to be picked up at the bar because it was often her mates that had to come and get her. "It's not the first time…you'd notice if ever listened to me" Rose burst out before she could stop the words. They were like water rushing through her fingers, unstoppable.

"Well, sure you like a drink. Who doesn't?" her mum asked. "But to be arguing with the bar tender for more alcohol…what were you thinking?"

_I was thinking that I just wanted someone to notice me…but no one does…..everyone's always left me. Even the Doctor is going to leave me and then I'll just be here with you and you don't care if I'm here all the time….._Rose's mind was a black, swirling mess of depression and anger and she dug her fingernails in her arm for something else to focus on. It didn't help.

"Did you and the Doctor have a fight?" her mum prodded. "You can talk to me about it if you did. He's in the TARDIS so he won't hear"

"Of course we had an argument!" Rose screamed back at her. "I was already mad at you and his leaving me made it worse….of course we had an argument!"

"What do you mean he's going to leave you?" her mum asked. The gentle way she said it just made Rose angry. Didn't her mum know that her world was coming to an end? That the one thing she felt she had left to hold on to in life was gone and she was going to be left with nothing.

_Oh, she knows….._her mind whispered at her like an old friend, _she knows but she doesn't care. She wouldn't care if you finally went through with it and ended it all. _

"He'll get tired of me like everyone always does and when he does he's going to leave" Rose mumbled. "I have no reason for him to stay with me. He could get anyone to travel with him. Then I'll just be stuck with you"

There was a long pause." What's so bad about being stuck with me?" her mum asked softly.

"You don't care about me!" Rose yelled back in a strangled voice.

"Rose…..how can you say that? You're my daughter and I love you" Jackie's voice sounded like it was hurt; Rose almost believed it was genuine.

"No you don't!" Rose said, tears in her eyes now beginning to gain speed and falling down her face. "You just want me around so there's some around to pay the rent and do everything around here while you go off and do your own thing. That's all I was good for before I ran off with the Doctor…..it'll be the same when he leaves"

Rose heard her mum shake the doorknob, trying to get in and Rose was glad she had locked it. "Rose…..open this door right now" her mum prodded. "I can't have you thinking that…..please let me in"

Rose lay down on the floor, curling into a ball on the cold tile. She was tired…_so tired…._she wanted to sleep. She wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

_Do it…..just do it. No one really needs you anyway so why not just end it? You could go to sleep and never wake up….._Something in Rose's mind nudged her. She thought it sounded like a good idea as her mind drifted off to sleep, ignoring her mum's pleas on the other side of the door.

…..

The Doctor hit the console, cursing in anger as he looked at the normal results. He had taken his sonic to the TARDIS sick bay while Rose slept, putting her data into the computer and hoping that it would tell him something about her condition. But it came up like everything else had; normal. It was so frustrating because he knew that Rose wasn't alright. While her feelings might be very real, and he was sure that they were, they shouldn't have burst to the surface so quickly and violently as they were now. For the first time, the Doctor feared for Rose's safety; not because he was afraid of some alien force coming after her but afraid of what her own mind might do to her.

Admitting defeat, the Doctor left the sick bay and made his way out of the TARDIS. He walked quickly toward the Powell Estate, hoping to find something better than when he had left but something didn't feel right…even the air seemed to feel wrong. He could sense that something wasn't right and it made him walk faster.

When the Doctor reached Rose's flat, he walked into the door without knocking, knowing it would be left open for him. When he stepped into the living room and found Jackie sitting on the couch, crying softly, he felt his initial sense of dread grow deeper.

"Jackie…..are you…..alright?" he asked, walking slowly up to her. She still was spooked by his sudden presence and jumped slightly, wiping her eyes.

"Oh…..Doctor" she said, rubbing her red eyes in embarrassment as she noticed his presence. She cleared her throat but when she spoke, her voice was still thick with emotion. "What's going on with her?"

Her question was filled with so much hope; hope that he would be able to answer her question. He wished he could have. "I don't know…..I need to get her to the TARDIS to examine her further. I'll do anything I can to figure out what's going on with her."

"She's so…sad…..so hopeless" Jackie, said hollowly, her eyes vacant. "I don't know what to do for her. I can't believe that she feels this way"

"It doesn't seem right to me either" the Doctor said uncomfortably putting his hands in his pockets. "She always seems so strong and self-confident. But she may have had this pain for a long time. Now that we know she is hurting though, we can help her"

"She locked herself in the bathroom…..wouldn't even let me in" Jackie said sadly. Though she had caused some, if not a lot of Rose's insecurities, right now she just looked like a mother who was hopelessly lost for her child's sake.

The Doctor felt his worry increase exponentially, thinking about what Rose might be doing in the bathroom. After having seen her making herself sick and drinking herself into unconsciousness today he was afraid of the harm she might do to herself. "I'll go in there….see if I can get her to talk" the Doctor offered, turning to go to the bathroom.

"You wouldn't really leave her would you?"

The Doctor turned back immediately at Jackie's disturbing question. Her eyes were sad but hopeful; she wanted to believe that he wouldn't but doubt nagged her. He cared so deeply for Rose; she had come to be such an important part of his life in the short time that he had known her that the question hurt him terribly. He could never leave her; she had saved his life in more ways than she could possibly know and right now all he wanted to do was save her life. All he wanted to see her bright smile, that infectious light in her eyes that made him believe this painful life was worth it.

But he couldn't say all of that to Jackie. "Rose is very special…..she means a lot to me" he said, his voice catching in his throat. "I would never leave her"

Jackie nodded slightly, looking down; she remained unconvinced but wanted to believe him. The Doctor turned and walked toward the bathroom, his hearts hammering in his ears from the nerves he felt in his stomach. He hoped desperately that he wouldn't find Rose in a worse state than he had left her.

When the Doctor reached the bathroom, he soniced the lock quickly and walked in. The sight he saw when he walked in broke his hearts further. Rose was curled up on the bathroom floor, asleep. Her face was pale but around her eyes was red as if she had spent much time crying. The Doctor walked over to Rose and knelt down beside her, smoothing her hair out of her face; she looked even more sickly and pitiful close up. Cautiously, he put his hand on Rose's shoulder and gave it a good shake.

Rose's body shuddered as she woke up on alert. She jumped before wiping around and taking in the sight of him sitting next to her. She sat up and slid away from him quickly as if she thought he might do something to hurt her. "Go away" Rose said her voice rough and thick from obvious crying.

"No" the Doctor said firmly. The last thing he was going to do was leave Rose when she looked like this. "Rose, I don't know what all this is about but I'm not leaving. It's obvious that you need help"

"Yes, it's so obvious now" Rose said sarcastically, pulling her knees to her chest and giving him a look of distain. "You've never listened to me before; I'm not sure why you should start now"

"What do you mean I never listen to you?" the Doctor asked. He knew he could be a bit thick about some human matters but he did listen to Rose. At least he thought he did; if this was really how she had felt all along then maybe he really was missing something.

"It's just like I bloody told you!" Rose roared back at him, "I told you yesterday that I have been asking for weeks for you to take me home and you never would. You only would drop me off and then leave which isn't what I wanted you to do because I was afraid you wouldn't come back"

"Why would you ever think I wouldn't come back?" the Doctor asked.

"Because you lie" Rose said. "Remember when the Slitheen landed here? I made you promise you wouldn't leave me and you did promise. Gave me the TARDIS to make is look all official but then you left me. Lied right to my face"

The Doctor felt like he had been punched in the stomach; he _had _done that. He hadn't thought that it had bothered her. She had never mentioned it after the event so he had assumed that it hadn't meant that much to her. It was obvious that if she was still dwelling on it that it had hurt her feelings. "I'm sorry" the Doctor stuttered out. "I never meant it like that. I did lie…..I shouldn't have. But I didn't say it so that I could leave. I just needed to find out more information on what was going on"

"It was so easy" Rose said, hurt feeling her voice as her red eyes began to brim again. "It was so easy for you to lie to me. No reason to think you won't go lying to a stupid ape like me again."

Another punch; he'd called Rose stupid out of anger once. He had also left her then too; he had apologized for both, assuring Rose he wouldn't have really left her. He had always thought she was tough and forgiving and that they had just moved past these things. It was obvious now though that she was more sensitive than she let on. His mouth, especially in this incarnation of himself was very careless. He often spoke first and then thought second. It could obviously have a bad effect on Rose.

"Rose…I said that out of anger" the Doctor said as gently as he could. "I do not think you are stupid, not at all. You are brilliant; you see things the way I never could" He thought about the way she had been forcing herself to get sick this morning and how she had insisted that she wasn't fat. "And I think you are perfect exactly the way you are. You are not fat, you know? You are beautiful"

It was the kind of the thing that he wouldn't be able to share under normal circumstances. His stupid pride would always get in the way of that and now he wished he had told Rose a long time ago how pretty and perfect he really thought she was. He reached out his hand to touch her shoulder but she flinched away from his touch.

"No I'm not" Rose said in a hurt voice. "You don't have to say that just to make me feel better. I know the truth"

"That is the truth!" The Doctor insisted, his face turning red slightly.

"Then why did you push me away last night!?" Rose burst out, her face red, tears on her cheeks. She simultaneously held the innocence of a child and the sorrow of an ancient in her face.

The Doctor squirmed; this was the last conversation that he wanted to have with her and certainly didn't want to have it in her current state. If they were going to discuss all of this he would prefer to do it when she was of a sane mind. He knew that something was clouding her judgment and emotions and he still felt that the interest she held in him was real interest. He didn't want to tell her how much he wanted to reciprocate; how often he'd dreamed about her looking at him with the need he'd seen in her eyes last night.

"I didn't react because I thought you weren't really feeling those things" the Doctor admitted honestly. "I think something is altering your feelings Rose. I feel like something is wrong here and I didn't want to take advantage of your vulnerability"

Rose's red eyes looked up into his. "That's the only reason?" she asked. "Otherwise you would have given in?"

The Doctor felt his stomach twisting; this wasn't the way he had thought this conversation would go. But with Rose's out of control emotions she was apt to change her feelings and he was finding it hard to keep up with her. He didn't know what to say and yet he recognized how precarious the situation was, that the slightest misspoken word could terribly hurt her. "If I really thought that was what you wanted, then yes" the Doctor said. He hated having to admit it but if he said no at a time like this it was likely to only hurt her more.

Rose launched herself so quickly at the Doctor that he nearly fell over from the force of her grabbing hold of him. In less than a second, she was in his lap, arms and legs wrapped around him as if holding on for dear life. Her forehead was pressed against his, her lips less than an inch away from his, her breath hot against his face. The Doctor was taken by surprise and not for the first time in the past few days his hearts were hammering. He could sense the change in Rose's scent as hormones flooded her body and the smell was so thick and intoxicating that the Doctor had to force himself to think. Just the fact of how quickly this was all happening was enough to convince the Doctor that this was a dangerous situation.

"If that's true…..then please don't push me away" Rose begged. Her voice was vulnerable and desperate, so desperate that the Doctor felt even more alarm rise in him for Rose's mental state. He could sense her insecurity and sadness coming off her in waves as much as her arousal was. The Doctor was still trying to figure out what to say when Rose closed the small space between them and kissed him. It was fast and desperate and nothing about it was right but for a moment the Doctor allowed himself to get lost in it. For a moment he could allow his addled head to believe that Rose was doing this because she really wanted to and not because something was wrong with her.

But it was only a moment later that his conscious woke up and reminded him of the situation. This wasn't real and it wasn't right and he couldn't allow himself to continue this. He knew Rose would take it the wrong way but he had to find out what was happening to her immediately.

Feeling guilty for an entirely different reason, the Doctor reached his hand to Rose's temple, coaxing her mind to sleep. She crumpled against him, her head falling against him. Sadness washed over him as he leaned his head against Rose's.

"I'm sorry Rose" the Doctor muttered to her in her sleep, placing a small kiss to her forehead. "I really am…I just hope you don't hate me when you wake up"


	6. Chapter 6

_Warning: mentions of suicide_

Rose felt her mind trying to lift itself from a very heavy fog. Everything seemed grey and heavy until she forced her mind to rise above the fog and open her eyes. She wasn't at home and at first she was confused as to where she was. Instead of the walls of her bedroom, she saw the metallic walls of the TARDIS. When she looked around she saw she was in the infirmary of the TARDIS. She lifted up slightly on the exam table she was laying on and found the Doctor sitting at a computer screen across the room. He was hunched over, as if deep in study of something on the screen.

_He's studying you…..remember? He said something was wrong with you…he thinks you're sick…..twisted…ill…_Her mind whispered at her. She lay back on the bed and thought about what had happened right before she had lost consciousness. The Doctor had pushed her away….._again. _She had begged him not to push her away and yet he had again.

_He said he didn't reciprocate because he didn't want you…said there was something wrong with her…_her mind reminded her. Rose's stomach twisted sickly and she clasped her hand over her mouth to keep from letting out a strangled cry. She remembered kissing the Doctor; him acting like he was going to reciprocate. But then he had put her to sleep again just like he had the last time. He had put her to sleep and brought her here to the infirmary because there was something wrong with her. Only, there wasn't anything wrong with her; she wasn't sick. The only thing that was wrong with her was that she was useless, unattractive and fat. _She had to get out…_

Rose slipped off the table, watching the Doctor. His back was to her and he was too deep in his thoughts to notice her and she tiptoed toward the door, slipping out unnoticed by the Doctor. Once she got out of the door to the infirmary, she began to run down the hallways, trying to find her room. All the hallways looked the same and it seemed very hard to get to where she remembered her room to be. Panic and sorrow like a looming black cloud was growing in her head and by the time that she reached her bedroom, she was in a complete breakdown. She threw herself on the bed face first, sobbing uncontrollably into the pillow.

_He's going to find out…..he's going to find out that nothing is wrong with me…he's going to find out that I'm not sick…that it's just me that's so wrong. _It was undeniable; the Doctor was going to find out what so many people in her life had already found out. She wasn't worth sticking around for; she didn't deserve anyone's attention. She tried so hard to be noticed; all of her life she had struggled with it. But no matter what she did to gain acceptance, people always hurt her, they always left. A thousand lonely nights came rushing to the forefront of her mind; nights her mother had stayed out all night when she wanted her there, nights when men didn't call her back or told her they were done. She could hear a hundred comments about how she wasn't smart, she wasn't remarkable. Before the Doctor had come along, she was just working in a shop with no future, no A-levels and a boyfriend who didn't really love her. Right now, the Doctor was looking at her medical information and realizing that she wasn't sick; everything that was wrong with her was just her. When he realized that, he was going to leave her and the pain she would suffer at his loss would be so much harder than any other she had suffered so far.

_She…had…..to…..get…..out…._

….

The Doctor looked at the results of his extensive scans on Rose's brain and his hearts broke. It was no wonder Rose was so mixed up; actually, he was surprised that she hadn't fallen apart more. He was kicking himself mentally for not seeing Rose's arm injury from two days ago as more serious; it seemed so normal at the time but it was now responsible for entrance to a parasite that could prove to be deadly to Rose.

The planet that they had traveled to, Pada was covered in the red dust that they had gotten doused in as they had fled. This seemingly harmless red dust was home to a small insect that was harmless to all species except to some humanoids. The Doctor's research had not initially found this result for Rose's illness because there had never been a documented case of the effects on Earth humans. The effects that had been reported in other humanoids were spot on to what Rose was exhibiting. The parasite entered the blood stream from a small cut on the skin; in Rose's case, her welt from the sling shot. The cut hadn't even been big enough to notice but it had been large enough for the parasite to enter her body. Once in the blood stream, the parasite made its way to the brain. It housed itself in the parts of the brain that regulated emotions and urges. It fed off the brain's response to high emotions so it would create conditions for this response, making the person highly emotional, both in bad ways and in good ways. The more time went on, the larger the creature got and thus the worse the emotional response needed.

The Doctor thought about all of the emotions and feelings that Rose had been showing the past few days and it made him even sadder. The parasite didn't create feelings; it simply encouraged the ones that were already there. Everything Rose was saying and feeling were things that were already in her mind. Her poor self-outlook and body image and her alarming drinking and purging responses to it were things that were already there. The Doctor was sure that he had definitely underestimated the pain in his young companion's past.

The Doctor was still taking in the information when the TARDIS nudged his mind. Her consciousness slammed into his with force that she rarely used, sending alarm bells throughout his mind. His hearts stopped and his stomach dropped at the sudden and rare response from the TARDIS; something was definitely wrong.

The Doctor whipped around on instinct, his eyes seeking Rose. His breath caught in his chest when he saw that Rose was not on the bed where he left her. Panic sending adrenaline through his body, the Doctor jumped up from his seat and began to run down the corridors toward Rose's room where the TARDIS was urging him to go. He burst through the door, glad to find that it wasn't locked.

When the Doctor barged into Rose's room and found her, his entire world shattered at the sight that he saw. The Doctor was a man that could hold his emotions in the worst of circumstances but when he saw Rose, tears were instantly streaming down his face as the worst sort of panic filled his body and made him tremble.

She looked so bad at first the Doctor didn't even know if she was alive. Rose was sitting in the floor, her back against the bed, her arms held out at her sides. Her wrists were turned up, cut. Blood was streaming out of her wrists and making crimson puddles under her hands. At some point the Doctor stopped breathing altogether; there was _so much blood….._Rose's head was slumped against her chest, eyes closed.

Rose had tried to kill herself, maybe had succeeded. What in Rassilon's name could make her do that? Even if the parasite was altering her mind why would she think this was the only option?

The Doctor rushed forward, kneeling in front of Rose, trying to ignore the warm wetness soaking through the knees of his pants. He put his hands on Rose's cheeks and lifted her face up, looking through blurry eyes for some hint, any hint, that Rose was still alive.

"Rose…..Rose!" he called out, emotion making his voice crack. "Oh, why did you do this?"

The Doctor was sobbing when Rose opened her eyes a crack; she was alive, but just barely. "I…..I'm not….not afraid…..anymore" she said weakly before closing her eyes again.

Knowing Rose was still alive, the Doctor made his tears stop in their tracks and spring into action. He put his arms under Rose and scooped her up quickly as if she weighed as little as doll and sprinted toward the infirmary. He looked down at Rose's still face as he ran, feeling dread run like icy water in his veins. _She was so pale…_

"Stay with me, Rose" he begged her, not knowing if she could hear him. "Please stay with me…"


	7. Chapter 7

The Doctor watched Rose sleep; he tried to focus simply on the rise and fall of her chest. As long as he was watching her breathe, he could convince himself that she was alive. If he wasn't watching her then he wasn't sure she was still alive; he feared she really had died. If he looked anywhere else but Rose's chest he was convinced she was gone because she was so still….so pale….she didn't look real. She looked like a china doll that had been patched up. Her skin was pale, white, her eyes red and unnatural looking. A large bandage covered her forehead, the only evidence of her procedure; the bandages on her wrists were much more alarming. They reminded him she was here because she had wanted to leave this world forever.

Today had been hell; the Doctor had had a lot of bad days but today listed high on the worst days of his life. Rose had barely been alive by the time that they had reached the infirmary; with shaky, blood covered fingers he had found the dermal regenerator and managed to stop the bleeding and repair the damage. The bandages weren't to stop the bleeding; they were to cover the scars that the Doctor couldn't stand to look at. She had cut so deeply she would have scars permanently, dermal regenerator or not. After he had managed to stop the life threatening bleeding, he made work of the parasite in Rose's brain. That had taken much longer and painstaking to fix than Rose's cuts. He had managed to kill the parasite through radiation and removed it through minimal surgery but the last thing he ever wanted to have to do was brain surgery on Rose. That was several hours ago and she had not yet woken up and the Doctor wondered how her mind would come out of this. He had no way of knowing what her mental state would be when she woke; would she go back to being herself? Would she have brain damage? All of the cases he had read on these parasites ended with the subject dying through alcohol poisoning or drug overdose or other excess means, the parasite removed at autopsy. There was nothing to tell him what to expect when Rose woke up and that terrified him. A simple glance in Rose's mind showed it was very quiet and vacant; it scared him.

The Doctor was frozen at Rose's bedside, with nothing to do but unable to leave her. Jackie sat on Rose's other side, fast asleep in her chair. He had told Jackie nothing until after Rose was stabilized after her surgery; he couldn't waste time until Rose was safe. He had then, reluctantly left Rose long enough to go get Jackie, knowing she had every right to know exactly what was going on. To say that Jackie was hysterical was an understatement; he didn't blame her, he was just as anxious. He had explained Rose's condition, much to Jackie's confusion and she had been so upset that he hadn't even felt bad about slipping some sedative into her water. He knew she had every right to be so upset but he couldn't handle it; not when he'd been so upset himself.

The Doctor took Rose's hand in his own, squeezing hard. Her hands felt so cold and the Doctor laid his head on Rose's chest, seeking to warm her up and also to make himself feel more connected to her. Her heart was beating but it was slowly and lazy…he feared it might stop at any minute. Not surprisingly, he felt tears make their way out of his eyes for the second time that day, running over his cheek and onto Rose's gown.

He thought about Rose's smile; it was so much better than anyone else's. It was bright, warm and could fill a room with happiness just by her being in it. He loved that smile of hers; the small ones that didn't show teeth but were just a gentle turn of the lips, the wide ones that burst off her face, the ones where her tongue peeked between her teeth. He thought about her laugh and how he couldn't be upset when Rose's laugh was in his ears. He thought about a million little things that she did and said and was that made his life living once again. He thought about every moment they had spent together and he cried.

….

For a long time, Rose felt like she suspended in a haze. All she saw around her were lights and nothingness and for a while that seemed alright. Feelings seemed to be lacking in this strange place, the only thing she was aware of was the sensations of the light and fuzziness. She didn't know why but she felt like she could stay there forever; it wasn't a particularly good place but it was peaceful and that was nice.

But overtime, though how much she had no idea, she began to be pulled from that place. She could feel fear of wondering where she was, confusion of what was happening; most of all she felt pain; her body was practically screaming from it. What seemed very quickly, Rose opened her eyes and found light piercing them.

Rose flinched as she awoke, the fear and pain pressing on her. Her eyes darted around and she sought to figure out what was happening. She tried to speak but she couldn't figure out what words she was trying to use and her tongue seemed stuck.

"Rose! You're awake!"

Rose whipped her head around painfully and saw the Doctor sitting beside her. She didn't know why this surprised her but for some reason it did.

"I'm so glad…..how are you feeling?" the Doctor asked, hope in his red eyes. He looked like he had been crying and that made Rose feel even more confused. The Doctor didn't cry.

"I…..what…what's going on? What…..happened?" Rose asked in confusion. She put a hand to her pounding head and rubbed it. The Doctor put a hand on her shoulder and forced her to lay flat. He suddenly looked very sad at her question.

"Do you not remember your…..accident?" he asked hesitantly, as if he might startle her with the question.

Accident? Rose's mind searched around in the recesses for relevant information but she was coming up empty. She realized she had a bandage where her hand was on her head as well as on her wrists. By the expression on the Doctor's face she could only assume something really bad had happened to her. She began to feel a sense of panic settle in on her; she felt like she could remember it at the tip of her mind but she couldn't bring it into focus. "No…no, it's all fuzzy" Rose admitted.

The Doctor looked down at his lap and he wouldn't look back up at Rose as he began to speak which worried her further. "Rose, you tried to…you tried to commit suicide" the Doctor said, his voice cracking with emotion. "You slit your wrists…I just found you in time"

Rose looked down at her bandaged wrists and felt her throat closing in. "Why…why would I do that?" she asked in horror. There were plenty of times that she had considered it in the past but she had never gone through with it. Why would she do it now when she was traveling with the Doctor and things were finally looking up?

The Doctor looked up and she could see tears in his eyes; the sight made her fearful. "I don't know" the Doctor said. "Do you remember anything about the past few days?"

Rose tried to think; the last thing she could clearly remember was their trip to Pada, being chased away by the natives there. She felt like that had been a while ago and she forced her mind to go back. Bits and pieces of memory came back to her but they things that she was fearful of; things she had said angrily that she didn't intend to say both to her mum and the Doctor. Drinking again…purging again…..

"Why?" she asked, tears coming to her eyes as the horror of it washed over her. "All those things I did…said…Doctor…oh, I'm so sorry"

The Doctor shook his head vigorously. "Rose, you have nothing to be sorry about" he said, taking one of her hands in his own and squeezing reassuringly. "You weren't yourself"

Rose felt guilt press on her; she was herself, those were just the parts of herself that she didn't share with anyone. The things she could remember were just the ugly truth.

"You picked up a parasite" the Doctor explained. "When you got that bruise on your arm from the Padas' slingshots your skin was broken and it allowed a small parasite in the dust there to enter your bloodstream. I didn't realize because it was undetectable by most scans but it made its way to your brain; feeds off of your emotional responses. The more time went on, the more extreme the emotions became. It made you feel everything, both good and bad, to the extreme. When you…"the Doctor paused, as if composing himself "when you tried to kill yourself, the TARDIS alerted me to the danger. I repaired the damage to your body and then I had to remove the parasite. It's gone"

Rose put her hand to the bandage on her head. Her head was throbbing and it was all so much to take in. She felt like she was on the verge of panic but she held back. The idea what some creature, some _thing _was living in her head was terrifying.

The Doctor seemed to sense that it was all overwhelming her and he gave her a small smile even though it seemed forced. "Why don't you rest?" the Doctor urged. "Your head had been through a lot. Get some sleep and we'll discuss it more later, alright?"

"Alright" Rose relented, her eyes already beginning to droop at the suggestion of sleep. She felt the Doctor's hand still in hers and she gave it a weak squeeze back. "Thanks for saving me" she said tiredly before drifting off. She could hear the Doctor say something in response but she couldn't hear clearly what.

…..

Rose spent the next few days in the infirmary, asleep most of the time but tormented by thoughts and her aching head when she was awake. Her mum and the Doctor hovered over her every need while she recovered and while she was thankful for their concern, she hardly felt like she deserved any of it. The longer that she remained awake, the more she began to remember things she had said and done to both of them and she didn't think she deserved to have them doting over her. She acted horrible under the parasite's influence and while the Doctor assured her that she didn't have any control over that, she felt like she should always be responsible for her own actions. It alarmed her how quickly she had went from completely fine to utterly mad; while she knew the universe was full of terrible illnesses and diseases, she had never experienced one before until now and it had nearly killed her.

After three days of almost constant hovering, though, Rose insisted on having the Doctor take her to her own room. He moved the TARDIS so that it was sitting in the middle of her and Jackie's living room, insisting that she was still recovering and "shouldn't be walking a marathon' and helped her walk the short distance to her room. Her mum had, very reluctantly, been convinced to finally go to her own bedroom and have a proper sleep that wasn't in the chair by her bedside that had been her bed for the past few days.

With the Doctor's arm around her, Rose made the short travel to her bed, grateful when she could finally sit down. She wouldn't admit it to the Doctor but the trip actually had been quite taxing on her; she couldn't wait until she was back at full strength. Rose lay back in bed, propping her pillows up so that she could half sit, half lay down. The Doctor was furtively tucking the covers around her in bed and Rose smiled at the sight.

"Need anything?" he asked for probably the 100th time that day. His face was eager and whiling to help.

"Just some sleep…..that seems like all I ever need these days" Rose said. "I'll be glad to be up and running again"

"Your body has been through a lot…take it easy. We are in no hurry to get running right away" The Doctor assured her.

Rose laughed slightly at that. "We're in no hurry to get going?" she asked in disbelief. "You? No, surely you are itching to get going. I know how you _love _domestics"

The Doctor looked sad for a moment. "I want you to be well…however long that takes" he said, his voice filled with seriousness like he never held. As quick as it came, it was gone. "Besides…tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I suppose I did promise you" he gave her a wide smile.

Rose smiled; she had completely forgotten about the holidays but a quiet Christmas at home with her mum and the Doctor, doing _domestics…_that might be just perfect. "Well, yes you did promise me" she said with a smile. "Can't go breaking that"

There was a long pause and the smile faded from the Doctor's face. "Before you go to sleep, can we talk Rose?" he asked, his voice neutral but holding the promise of seriousness coming soon.

Rose looked down at her lap, her hands worrying the hem of her shirt. The sleeves on this shirt weren't long enough and occasionally she would get a peak of her wrists; the Doctor had done a lot of good for her wounds but there were still thick pink scars and they made her feel sick. She pulled at the sleeves. "What do you want to talk about?" she asked nervously. She knew it must have something to do with what had happened and though he'd been with her constantly, they hadn't actually discussed what had happened much. She was not eager to even think about it, much less discuss it.

"We need to talk about some of the things you did and said while you were under the parasite's influence" the Doctor said cautiously.

"Well…it made me a bit crazy didn't it?" Rose said with a hysterical smile. "I can't really be blamed for what happened, right? That crazy _thing _inside me made me do that…so what's there to discuss?" Rose knew she was rambling but she didn't care; maybe if she kept talking it would prevent the Doctor from talking and they could not have this discussion.

"Rose" the Doctor cautioned, stopping her. He looked up at her and his blue eyes pierced hers, looking into her very soul it felt like. "That's the thing….the parasite doesn't create any feelings. It only takes the ones you already have and makes them stronger. It takes latent feeling and brings them to the surface.

Rose squirmed under the Doctor's gaze, looking from him and away several times. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, feigning ignorance. She didn't want to have this discussion; if they were to have this discussion, then she would have to tell the Doctor what she was really like deep down inside, what dark secrets her past had. If he could see her for what she was, what would keep him from finding someone less flaky and weak for his companion?

"It means what you said and did was real" the Doctor said. He took Rose's hand in his own. He turned her arm so that her scar was visible. He traced his finger along it, sorrow on his face. "It means this was real"

Rose pulled back her hand, hiding the evidence. "I never would have done it" she said defensively. "Not without that stupid….._creature_ making me do it….."

"But you have thought about it" the Doctor said. It was a statement, not a question.

Rose felt her cheeks turn red; she suddenly felt very exposed. "I don't want to talk about this" she said, closing off. She lay down on her side, turning so that her back was facing the Doctor. Maybe if she pretended to be asleep he would leave. He already seemed to know more than she was whiling to share. How could she look him in the eyes and talk about the dark times? The times of her life where she had felt completely worthless, like ending her life really was the only option?

But the Doctor didn't leave; he moved from where he was sitting and came to lay down on the bed behind her. He put one hand on her shoulder but he kept a respectable distance so not to startle her; when he spoke, his voice was sad. "Rose…more than once over the past few days you told me that I don't listen to you" he said. "I want to make sure that isn't a problem anymore. I want to make sure I'm listening to everything you need to say…and everything you don't want to say"

"Why do you want me to talk about this?" Rose asked desperately. Why was he making her divulge all of her dark secrets? They were ugly and they needed to stay hidden where she had always kept them.

"Because a few days ago I saw you making yourself sick because you thought you were fat. I had to drag you out of bar completely insensible…and I found you in a puddle of your own blood" the Doctor said, sorrow making his voice crack in several places. "None of that is okay and I'm not going to ignore any of that"

Rose felt tears in her eyes and she wiped at them as they ran down the side of her face. "Things used to be bad…..before you showed up" Rose said sadly. She didn't want to talk about it but it seemed not as bad when she didn't have to stare directly at him. "I used to feel some of those things but I really don't anymore"

It was partly a lie and the Doctor knew it. "That's rubbish…..if you really didn't feel those things then they wouldn't have shown up under the influence of the parasite. So, be honest with me." The Doctor said firmly but lovingly. "You said that you never would have killed yourself without the parasite's influence…..but you thought about it. Maybe you even tried it"

The Doctor left a long pause, giving Rose a chance to speak but she didn't. When she didn't speak, the Doctor said, "It's alright Rose…..I've thought about it too, you know"

Rose was surprised; she had thought about ending her life because it wasn't worth living. She had once been in such a dark place that she had thought no one cared about her and that with her worthlessness she was going nowhere. Though she had seen plenty of pain in the Doctor's eyes, pain that spoke of things he didn't speak of, she couldn't imagine that he, with the universe as his playground and all the wonderful things that he had done, could ever feel like he needed to end his life, that the world was better off without him. "Why?" she asked, her voice quiet.

"For the same reason as you, I expect" the Doctor said. "Pain…..sometimes your own mind can be your worst enemy. Sometimes the pain gets so much that there doesn't seem to be any other way than to simply end it all. It's a solution but it's not the answer and I hope you would never really do that because you matter, Rose"

"Sure I do" Rose said with a cynical laugh. "Now I do, but I didn't then" It was the truth; she could remember now that her memory had come back, the desperation and fear that had gone into her attempting suicide. At the time in her haze she had been convinced that the Doctor would leave her on her Earth, back with her dull life and lack of potential. With the Doctor she was able to save people and see the universe. She mattered then when she never had before.

The Doctor turned Rose toward him, holding onto her shoulder roughly so she had to look at him. His face was pained and intense, holding back an emotion on his face that she couldn't read.

"Rose, you can't believe that" the Doctor said. "I can't let you believe that the only reason you matter is because you travel with me because that simply isn't true. The goodness in you, the ability to care so deeply, your compassion for everyone no matter who they are is what you are made of. You've always been that beautiful person inside and I have nothing to do with that. You are special, you matter"

Rose started to cry and she didn't know what was wrong with her. Her head hurt like mad and her emotions, though much more stable, were still very suggestible. The Doctor put his arms around her and pulled her to him. She buried her face into his leather jacket and cried until she couldn't cry anymore. She always knew the Doctor cared and he thought more of her than she deserved. But to hear him say it meant so much to her; she knew he thought the situation was serious if he was saying it to her face.

After she had finished crying, she simply lay in his arms, enjoying the feel of his arms around her. She was mortified when she thought about how she had thrown herself at him over the past few days. She was glad that he hadn't commented on yet but she knew at some point they would have to discuss it. Right now she was content to just lie in his arms.

"I'm glad you found me…..I'm glad you stopped me" she said, holding onto his arms as she breathed in the scent on his jumper.

"I am too…if I had lost you Rose…" the Doctor said, his voice breaking. "I owe it to the TARDIS really…..she's the one that told me you were in trouble and where to find you"

"You'll have to thank her for me" Rose said, nestling against the Doctor.

"She knows how you feel" the Doctor said, "She was in quite a state over you"

"She was?" Rose asked in surprise.

"Of course she was…..she cares about you a lot" the Doctor said. "Almost as much as me"

Rose felt a flutter of nerves in her belly; she thought about saying something about how she had tried and somewhat succeeded in kissing him but she didn't. The Doctor cared about her; it wasn't a fact that she felt like she could easily accept but she wanted to. She could tell by his tone that he meant it. "I'm not sure why you want a mess like me around" she said with humorous self-deprecation.

Rose felt the Doctor's hands on her cheeks, pulling her face away from his chest so that he could look into her eyes. "You are hardly a mess Rose" he said with a wide smile. "Remember what I said once…I only take the best. And I've got you"

Rose felt her face blush; she remembered it vividly. She had felt so proud when the Doctor had told Adam he only would accept the best and that she apparently was the best. Rose closed her eyes in embarrassment, finding it hard to look at him. "Doctor…..don't….." she tried to protest the compliment but the Doctor cut her off.

"Rose….don't try to brush this off" the Doctor insisted. He looked away, appearing embarrassed but he continued. "I…..this isn't easy for me to say….all of this is difficult. But I want to tell you because it's obvious from the past few days that you don't know"

Rose felt her heart skip a beat; the Doctor was never sentimental. He never discussed feelings; not even close. His telling her that she mattered and she was important was already so much. What more could he possibly say? "I don't know what?" she asked, feeling a little breathless.

The Doctor paused, a war going on behind his eyes. "You don't know how special you are" he said finally. "You don't know that you are funny and caring and loving. You don't know that you are beautiful…..so beautiful. You don't know that people love you and need you. Worst of all, you don't know that _I _think all those things about you."

Rose was sure her heart stopped at those words. The Doctor never spoke so openly; surely he couldn't really think those things about her. A time lord, with the entire universe at his disposal couldn't possibly believe that she was all those things. And certainly he couldn't love her. She was about to protest when the Doctor grabbed her arm, pulling her sleeve down to expose her cut wrist. She tried to pull back but he wouldn't let her. When she looked into his eyes, she saw tears. It was something she would never have thought to see there.

"You can't do this" The Doctor said, his finger traced along Rose's scar, his voice was raw, desperate. "You can't do this ever again"

The Doctor was crying now, actually properly crying, tears running down his cheeks. His face was an inch from hers, the emotional tension between them nearly unbearable.

"But you said you almost did….." Rose said, trying to get her arm free. Still no luck. "Why is it so different from me?"

The Doctor's hold on her wrist was strong; it hurt a little bit actually but he was afraid to let go. "It's different because you are the one that stopped me…you are the only thing that stopped me from doing and maybe that's no reason to you but I need you and I can't let you ever do this again. I'm never, ever going to leave you and you can't leave me because I need you too much!"

Rose felt tears on her own face again. Finally, he released her wrist and her hands went to hold his face. "I won't! I promise I won't" Rose said, her voice cracking with emotion, her heart full of sadness and happiness and disbelief and a million other things.

Before Rose saw it coming, the Doctor closed the space between them and kissed her. It wasn't anything like the desperate kisses that she had given him the past few days. It was fast and fiery, full of hands in hair and rolling around on the bed. And it was one hundred percent fantastic.

…

That night, Jackie insisted that three of them have dinner back at her and Rose's flat. Since she had nearly walked in on his and Rose's wonderful episode in her room, he had thought it best to just agree with her and go. He'd been so happy that he hadn't even minded having Chinese and watching telly; it was domestic but he was over the moon.

_Rose was alright…finally she was alright…_He was so relieved that she had pulled through fine that he didn't care how long he had to spend here doing domestics. The parasite was gone, Rose was healthy…..she had almost died but now she was alright and that was fantastic.

On top of all of that, he had kissed Rose. This time it had been right; Rose hadn't been infected by a parasite making her do things she didn't really want to. All through dinner he could see her looking at him from the corner of his eye and he was slightly embarrassed by the happy little flutter in his stomach when he looked up and met her eyes. This young, pink and yellow human had affected him in ways that he never would have thought possible. But then again, he'd had an inkling what he was getting himself in from the very beginning. She had always been different; after all, he never asked someone to travel with him twice. Just Rose.

The past week had seemed like an awful nightmare that he couldn't get past. Rose's sudden illness and the horror of her suicide attempt. Even now, it stung his eyes to see the scars still on her wrists. The only thing that helped was the smile that she had on her face. The Doctor had always been afraid something terrible would happen to Rose in their travels. A million different scenarios visited him in his nightmares that ended in Rose's demise. None of them had been compared to the terror of her taking her own life. He still couldn't stop himself from muttering thanks to the TARDIS over and over again for intervention in the matter. The Doctor had got to Rose when it was almost too late.

After dinner was over, the Doctor saw Rose slip out the door and into the hallway. Looking for any excuse to get out of the flat, he followed her. When he stepped out into the hallway, he saw Rose leaning against the railing and looking out at the city. The sun was beginning to set and it cast a bright glow on her skin, the wind blowing slightly through her hair. Though she had been so sick a few days ago, she looked full of color and healthy now though he couldn't help but notice that she pulled absently as the sleeves of her shirt as she looked out. It seemed to be a habit she developing now.

The Doctor walked next to Rose who glanced at him from the corner of her eye. They stood in comfortable silence for several minutes, taking in the sight of the setting sun. The Doctor watched the orange and yellow of the sunset mixing together and wasn't sure that he had ever quite enjoyed an Earth sunset as much as he did this one; he hadn't been this content in a long time.

The Doctor placed his hand on the railing next to Rose's; feeling a tugging somewhere in his chest, he slid his hand over so that it covered Rose's. She surprised him by using his hand to pull him into a deep hug. Rose's hands slipped under his jacket and she pressed herself against his chest, holding so tightly she might have been afraid of losing him. The Doctor wrapped his arms around Rose, breathing in a sigh of relief; everything from the sweet way she smelled to the way he could feel her warmth radiating through his jumper was heightened.

"We're a right mess, aren't we Doctor?" Rose said, with a small laugh, surprising him. She looked up at him but she didn't pull away from the hug. He could feel her fingers moving in gentle circles along his back.

"A mess…..what do you mean?" The Doctor asked. "We're fantastic" He left his arms around her and he was glad when she stayed close to him.

"You think everything's fantastic" Rose said with a small smile. The Doctor was glad to see it.

"But this really is" The Doctor said. Rose smiled like he was teasing but he put his hands on Rose's face and tilted it so that she was looking at him. He wanted her to know that he was serious. "I've been so, so worried about you" he said with emotion. "So very worried. To have to you here well is most fantastic."

Rose closed her eyes, leaning into the Doctor's hands. "So…its gone completely, right?" she asked, a trace of worry in her voice. "It won't come back right?"

"I promise it is gone, removed" The Doctor said. "It's in a jar in the infirmary, if you'd like to see it" He said with humor. He was glad when Rose laughed softly.

"No…I'll take your word for it" She said. She looked up into the Doctor's eyes. She studied him for a long time before she said, "Are you really sure that you want someone broken as me?"

The Doctor gave her a warm smile. "I am completely and utterly sure that I want you Rose Tyler" he said with enthusiasm. "Everyone, on every planet and in every time is broken. But you are the best and most amazing version of broken I have ever met and you are the only one that has ever been able to hold me together" He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. When he looked back at her, her eyes were glassy with tears.

"Really?" She asked, her voice breaking slightly even though it was obvious that she was trying to keep it from breaking. For the first time, the Doctor was convinced that she was actually starting to believe it.

"Really" he said, pulling his amazing, beautiful and perfectly human girl into the warmest hug he could manage.

_Well, that's the end! Thanks to everyone that read and reviewed my little fic :)_


End file.
